Conflict Resolution Island

Its the unresolved conflicts that cause us to fear conflicts. The conflicts we resolve we don't notice.

See that big lump under the rug? Yes we all see it, there’s no way to hide it. What’s under there?

We are all unresolved conflict hoarders. We kick the conflicts from one side to the other, push furniture in front of it. Move to a brand new place to get away from the conflicts under the rug.

Don’t say you don’t remember what you put under there. You do.

Here’s something curious. We forget many of the conflicts that we have already successfully resolved–they just don’t rise to the level of of BIG MEMORIES. The BIG MEMORIES label is reserved for the messy, complicated, avoided and looming unresolved conflicts. The big memories stick in our thoughts. The reason the two of you don’t speak any more. The owed money from 25 years ago. The horrible slight you experienced. The mean thing you said to the person who is not in your life anymore.

This is not about the 12 step program called making amends. You are probably right that some conflicts are best left alone. This is about taking a healthy look at those unresolved conflicts and doing some self reflection about each of them. Because even though they have been hidden from view, they were running in the background of your mind all the time.

If you are willing to work toward making progress, you might think about making a three column list of the unresolved conflicts.

Column one – Sealed unresolved conflicts: Which are the conflicts that you are absolutely sure are better left alone? There’s no way to work it out because the person or situation is long gone. Or a conversation could be dangerous. Label those as ones you put in a sealed container. And pat yourself on the back for your self preservation instinct. If you can, let them go, you can’t do anything about them — at least not now.

Column two – Unsure unresolved conflicts: Which are the conflicts you are not sure about? Maybe there’s something that you can do. Here is the pile you are maybe going to do something about. You just don’t know what yet. And by the way, one of the golden rules of conflict resolution is: You can only change yourself. For these conflicts you have decided you want to think about the right steps that you yourself are going to take.

Column three – Low hanging fruit: Here’s the low hanging fruit pile. These are the conflicts that are hanging around because you didn’t give them your time or attention. They are easily improved with a little bit of effort. You can make things right or at least help. A quick birthday card or a Facebook hello might clear the air. Non attachment to outcome is the key here, you can only account for your own actions. Then take one action. √

The idea is to sort out your conflicts. By writing them down and putting them into categories, you are being proactive. You are taking control of your conflict landscape and deciding to decide what you are going to do. Congratulations on this important step. You are no longer a conflict hoarder–you are a conflict resolver.